AVOIDING ENABLING BEHAVIOR

25 Cheshvan 5776 / 6-7 November 2015

Parashat Chayei Sarah
Torah: Genesis 23:1 - 25:18
Haftarah: 1 Kings 1:1-31

Calendar and dedications follow below. See our web site at: http://www.bethmeier.org  for complete listings.

Please feel free to pass this on to a friend, and please cite the source.

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AVOIDING ENABLING BEHAVIOR

"So the man bowed low and prostrated himself before the Lord. He said, 'Blessed is the Lord, God of my master Abraham, Who has not withheld His kindness and truth from my master. As for me, the Lord has guided me on the way to the house of my master's brethren.'" (Gen. 24:26-27)

All of us have had the experience, at some time or another, of giving in to someone we love when it is really not healthy for them or for us. Parents often have to struggle with their children over toys, television shows, movies, music, activities, etc. Even when the demands of our children might lead to some sort of danger, we sometimes give in, in order to avoid tantrums or crying, because we love them, we want them to be happy, and we really do wish we could give them everything their hearts desire. Other times, when our kids engage in questionable behavior, we ignore it, hoping it is "just a phase" they are going through. We don't want to be "brutally honest" with them. We end up with a spoiled brat or a visit to the emergency room, with all of the guilt that accompanies such things.

Adults do this with each other as well, often with terrible consequences. We buy liquor for loved ones who are alcoholics, believing them when they say they can "handle it". We hope against hope that "this time they really mean it" when they promise to quit drinking, and we ignore the smell of alcohol on their breath. We turn a blind eye and call it "a delicate condition" that will magically disappear whenever the stress of the month goes away. We refuse to confront the truth – and we fail to speak the truth. In the meantime, our relationships with the alcoholic and with others are ruined. People are emotionally and physically destroyed.

The great 19th-century German rabbi, Samson Raphael Hirsch, gets that insight from our parashah. Kindness and truth go together. Kindness without truth is harmful. Truth mediates kindness, keeping it from becoming enabling and destructive. That is why Abraham's servant recites the blessing that he does, for he realizes how truly blessed Abraham is. God has not only been kind to Abraham, He has been truthful. God did not withhold from Abraham the truth about Sodom and Gomorrah, or the truth about the binding of Isaac. Abraham trusted God to be truthful, and Abraham was truthful with God, so he had a holy relationship with God. We too need to be truthful as well as kind with our loved ones and friends. Then we too can have truly holy relationships with each other. Being truthful with the ones we love about their behavior is the way to prevent our intended kindnesses from leading to self-destruction.

Shabbat Shalom!

Rabbi Richard A. Flom

Congregation Beth Meier - Studio City, CA

www.bethmeier.org

Blogging at: http://rav-rich.blogspot.com

"From the place where we are absolutely right, flowers will never grow in the spring." 

"מן המקום שבו אנו צודקים לא יצמחו לעולם פרחים באביב"

Yehuda Amichai

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Candlelighting: 4:38 pm

Friday: Shabbat Evening service – 8:00 pm. Oneg Shabbat follows.

Saturday: Shabbat morning service – 10:00 am.  Kiddush lunch follows.

Sunday: Religious School - 9:30 am.  Adult Hebrew with Linda Foster – 10:00 am.

Tuesday: NO Lunch and Learn – Rabbi Flom in Israel. Lunch and Learn will resume December 1.

Friday, 13 November: Family Shabbat Evening Service - 7:30 pm. Oneg Shabbat follows.

Saturday, 14 November: Shabbat morning service – 10:00 am.  Kiddush lunch follows.

Sunday, 15 November: Religious School - 9:30 am.  Adult Hebrew with Linda Foster – 10:00 am.

Friday, 20 November: Shabbat Evening service – 8:00 pm. Oneg Shabbat follows.

Saturday, 21 November: Shabbat morning service – 10:00 am.  Kiddush lunch follows.

Sunday, 22 November: Religious School - 9:30 am.  Adult Hebrew with Linda Foster – 10:00 am.

Sunday, 13 December: Chanukah Celebration – Movie and Game Night – 6:30 pm. For the last night of Chanukah, bring your menorahs and your appetites. We’ll light our candles; sing songs; eat latkes, sufganiyot, and pizza; have games for the kids; and, screen “Above and Beyond” (award-winning documentary about the founding of the Israeli Air Force) for the adults.

Next time you come to Beth Meier, please bring some non-perishable canned and packaged foods and personal items (no glass) for SOVA.

This d'var torah is offered for a refuah shleimah for Avi Shmuel Yosef Hakohen ben Bella, Miriam Minya bat Alisa Batya, Sarah bat Devorah, Ken Bitticks, Elsbet Brosky, Jerry Daniels, Maya Fersht (Maya bat Esther), Dr. Samuel Fersht (Shmuel Natan ben Gittel), Gig Flom (Gittel Tobi bat Blanca), Leonard Foint, Jerry Forman, Pamela Huddleston, Stephanie Kane, Philip Kovac, Marsha Meyers, Annie Rivera, Gil Robbins, and Ruth Silon.

Please let me know if there is anyone you would like to add to this list or if there is anyone who may be removed from this list.

My weekly divrei torah are also available through free subscription to the Cyber Torah e-mail list.

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