AVOIDING ENABLING BEHAVIOR

Cheshvan 25, 5780 / November 22-23, 2019

Parashat Chayei Sarah
Torah: Genesis 23:1 - 25:18
Haftarah: 1 Kings 1:1-31

Dedications and calendar follow below. For complete listings, see our web site at:

www.bnaihayim.com  

Please feel free to pass this on to a friend, and please cite the source.

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AVOIDING ENABLING BEHAVIOR

"So the man bowed low and prostrated himself before the Lord. He said, 'Blessed is the Lord, God of my master Abraham, Who has not withheld His kindness and truth from my master. As for me, the Lord has guided me on the way to the house of my master's brethren.'" (Gen. 24:26-27)

All of us have had the experience, at some time or another, of giving in to someone we love when it is really not healthy for them or for us. Parents often have to struggle with their children over toys, television shows, movies, music, activities, etc. Even when the demands of our children might lead to some sort of danger, we sometimes give in, in order to avoid tantrums or crying, because we love them, we want them to be happy, and we really do wish we could give them everything their hearts desire. Other times, when our kids engage in questionable behavior, we ignore it, hoping it is "just a phase" they are going through. We don't want to be "brutally honest" with them. We end up with a spoiled brat or a visit to the emergency room, with all of the guilt that accompanies such things.

Adults do this with each other as well, often with terrible consequences. We buy liquor for loved ones who are alcoholics, believing them when they say they can "handle it". We hope against hope that "this time they really mean it" when they promise to quit drinking, and we ignore the smell of alcohol on their breath. We turn a blind eye and call it "a delicate condition" that will magically disappear whenever the stress of the month goes away. We refuse to confront the truth – and we fail to speak the truth. In the meantime, our relationships with the alcoholic and with others are ruined. People are emotionally and physically destroyed.

Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch

The great 19th-century German rabbi, Samson Raphael Hirsch, gets that insight from our parashah. Kindness and truth go together. Kindness without truth is harmful. Truth mediates kindness, keeping it from becoming enabling and destructive. That is why Abraham's servant recites the blessing that he does, for he realizes how truly blessed Abraham is. God has not only been kind to Abraham, He has been truthful. God did not withhold from Abraham the truth about Sodom and Gomorrah, or the truth about the binding of Isaac. Abraham trusted God to be truthful, and Abraham was truthful with God, so he had a holy relationship with God. We too need to be truthful as well as kind with our loved ones and friends. Then we too can have truly holy relationships with each other. Being truthful with the ones we love about their behavior is the way to prevent our intended kindnesses from leading to self-destruction.

Shabbat Shalom!

Rabbi Richard A. Flom

הַלּוֹמֵד מִכָּל אָדָם ?אֵיזֶהוּ חָכָם

Who is wise?  The one who learns from every person.

Ben Zoma - Pirkei Avot 4:1

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Candle lighting: 4:28 pm

Friday: Shabbat ROCKS Evening Service – 6:30 pm. Reb Jason and the Shul of Rock with an electrified and electrifying service. Oneg Shabbat follows.

Saturday: Torah study/breakfast – 8:45 am. Shabbat Morning Service – 9:30 am. Religious School Junior Congregation – 10:00 am. Kiddush lunch follows.

Sunday:  Religious School – 9:30 am.

Tuesday: NO Lunch and Learn – resume December 10.

Thursday, November 28: Happy Thanksgiving! Synagogue office closed.

Friday, November 29: Synagogue office closed. NO Shabbat Evening Service.

Saturday, November 30: Torah study/breakfast – 8:45 am. Shabbat Morning Service – 9:30 am. Kiddush lunch follows.

Next time you come to TBH/CBM, please bring some non-perishable canned and packaged foods and personal items (no glass) for SOVA.

This d’var torah is offered for a refuah shleimah for Leah bat Sarah Imanu, Sarah bat Devorah, Susan Arbetman, Ken Bitticks, Elsbet Brosky, Mark Brownstein, Jerry Daniels, Maya Fersht (Maya bat Esther), Dr. Samuel Fersht (Shmuel Natan ben Gittel), Bernard Garvin, Leah Granat, Gabor Klein, Philip Kronzek, Tonya Kronzek (Zlata Malkah bat Sarah Imanu), Ina Labowitz, Stuart Lytton, David Marks, Gail Neiman, Sandra Raab, David Russak, Josef Sands, Shirley Sands, Debra Schugar Strauss (Devorah bat Chaya Feiga), Helen Schugar (Chaya Feiga bat Kreina), and William Sragow.

Please let me know if there is anyone you would like to add to this list or if there is anyone who may be removed from this list.

PUTTING GOD SECOND

Parashat Vayera

Cheshvan 18, 5780 / November 15-16, 2019

Torah: Genesis 18:1-22:24

Haftarah: Kings II 4:1-37

Dedications and calendar follow below. For complete listings, see our web site at:

www.bnaihayim.com  

Please feel free to pass this on to a friend, and please cite the source.

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PUTTING GOD SECOND

"And the Lord appeared to (Abraham) at the terebinths (trees used to make turpentine) of Mamre while he was sitting at the entrance of the tent in the heat of the day. He lifted his eyes and saw there were three men standing above him; he ran from the entrance of the tent to greet them, and bowed toward the ground. And he said, 'My Lord, if I find favor in Your eyes, please do not pass away from Your servant.'" Genesis 18:1-3.

At first reading, one would think that God appeared to Abraham in the form of the three men. Therefore, he bowed and addressed them as "My Lord". However, Rabbinic tradition teaches that these are two separate events. God was visiting Abraham following Abraham's circumcision, and then the three men appeared. Abraham (in his pain!) literally ran from God to greet the men. He then asked God to wait while he attended to the needs of the men!

This might seem extraordinarily disrespectful to God. Not so, according to the Rabbis. "Rabbi Judah said in the name of Rav: 'Hospitality to guests is greater than greeting the Divine Presence.'" How can this be? For one thing, if God is the Omnipresent, one can never leave God's Presence. Second, if God is the Eternal, then "waiting" is not in God's vocabulary - it's simply not a problem. Perhaps most important, God does not have physical needs, but human beings do; and they must be attended to. In taking leave of God in order to extend hospitality to three strangers who appeared out of the desert, Abraham was actually honoring God - by caring for those who are created "in the image of God".

This implies that if one must choose between fulfilling a “mitzvah bein adam lamakom” (a mitzvah between a person and God) or a “mitzvah bein adam l’chavero” (between one person and another person), we should attend to the mitzvah involving another person first. (See, for example, the Mishnah at Peah 1:1: “These are the things for which a person reaps the fruits in this world, and gets a reward in the world to come: honoring one's father and mother, acts of lovingkindness (gemilut chasadim), and bringing peace between people.”) When we treat others to our hospitality (or feed them or clothe them or house them or provide them with medical treatment), we do indeed find favor in God's eyes.

There remains perhaps the greatest mitzvah of all, one that does not require choosing between God and human beings. We do it after we are dead – by registering as organ donors while we are alive. Indeed, virtually all rabbis agree that organ donation at death is a positive mitzvah - an obligation of pikuach nefesh - saving a life. This idea represents everything that Judaism stands for.

This weekend is National Donor Sabbath, a project of the US Department of Health and Human Services. More information is available at the web site:

https://www.organdonor.gov/awareness/events/donor-sabbath.html  

In 2018, over 36,000 organ donations were performed in the US. This is impressive, until one realizes that there are over 113,000 Americans on the waiting lists for various organs. Every day, 80 transplants are performed in the US, while 20 people die waiting for organs they need to survive. You can alleviate the pain and suffering of others, literally give them life, merely by completing an organ donation card available from your motor vehicle department or at the web site above.

Does it work? Of course! Most of our parts are “recyclable”. And don’t forget, there are ways to save lives while we are still alive – through blood, platelet and bone marrow donations, and as living organ donors. Go ahead – perform an act of chesed or pikuach nefesh – God won’t be offended!

L’chaim!

Shabbat Shalom!

Rabbi Richard A. Flom

הַלּוֹמֵד מִכָּל אָדָם ?אֵיזֶהוּ חָכָם

Who is wise?  The one who learns from every person.

Ben Zoma - Pirkei Avot 4:1

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Candle lighting: 4:31 pm

Friday: SIMCHA Shabbat Evening Service – 6:30 pm. Shabbat Dinner follows. Join us to celebrate November anniversaries, birthdays, and more! The pareve/dairy dinner is complimentary to all, but reservations to the office are a must!

Saturday: Torah study/breakfast – 8:45 am. Shabbat Morning Service – 9:30 am. Kiddush lunch follows. 

Sunday: TBH/CBM Sisterhood meeting – 11:00 am. Religious School – 12:00 noon – 2:30 pm. NOTE TIME CHANGE! This is to accommodate the sofer who will be teaching our students and any interested congregants about how scrolls for Torah, tefillin, and mezuzot are made and written.

Tuesday: Lunch and Learn – 12:00 noon.

Friday, 11/22: Shabbat ROCKS Evening Service – 6:30 pm. Reb Jason and the Shul of Rock with an electrified and electrifying service. Oneg Shabbat follows.

Saturday, 11/23: Torah study/breakfast – 8:45 am. Shabbat Morning Service – 9:30 am. Kiddush lunch follows. 

Next time you come to TBH/CBM, please bring some non-perishable canned and packaged foods and personal items (no glass) for SOVA.

This d’var torah is offered for a refuah shleimah for Leah bat Sarah Imanu, Sarah bat Devorah, Susan Arbetman, Ken Bitticks, Elsbet Brosky, Mark Brownstein, Jerry Daniels, Maya Fersht (Maya bat Esther), Dr. Samuel Fersht (Shmuel Natan ben Gittel), Bernard Garvin, Leah Granat, Gabor Klein, Philip Kronzek, Tonya Kronzek (Zlata Malkah bat Sarah Imanu), Ina Labowitz, Stuart Lytton, David Marks, Gail Neiman, Sandra Raab, David Russak, Josef Sands, Shirley Sands, Debra Schugar Strauss (Devorah bat Chaya Feiga), Helen Schugar (Chaya Feiga bat Kreina), and William Sragow.

Please let me know if there is anyone you would like to add to this list or if there is anyone who may be removed from this list.

WHAT’S IN A NAME?

Cheshvan 11, 5780 /November 8-9, 2019

Parashat Lekh L'kha
Torah: Genesis 12:1 - 17:27
Haftarah: Isaiah 40:27 - 41:16

Dedications and calendar follow below. For complete listings, see our web site at: www.bnaihayim.com  

Please feel free to pass this on to a friend, and please cite the source.

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WHAT’S IN A NAME?

"When Avram was 99 years old, the Lord (Y-H-W-H) appeared to Avram and said to him, 'I am God Almighty (El Shaddai). Walk before Me and be blameless.'" Genesis 17:1

In "Guide for the Perplexed", Rambam (Maimonides) writes that, contrary to what we might think, God has only one name - the Tetragrammaton which we do not pronounce but read instead as "Adonai" - Lord. Such "names" as Dayan (judge), Shaddai (almighty), Tzaddik (righteous), Chanun (gracious), Rachum (merciful), and Elohim (chief) are descriptive of attributes derived from God's actions, rather than actual names. It is dangerous, Rambam tells us, to think of these as names, for that leads to error. On the other hand, claiming that God has "attributes" may create the belief that there is a plurality within God, or worse, that there is more than one God. God cannot be subdivided in this way, according to Rambam, for God has no limits. Any attempt to describe God must fail because human language, and of course human beings, have limits.

Of course, this discussion does not apply to the names of human beings. Consider Avram, whose name means "exalted father". God tells him, "You shall no longer be called Avram, but your name shall be Avraham, for I make you the father of many nations." (Gen. 17:5) Indeed, in the Torah, names bestowed by God are destiny. But for those of us less fortunate than Avraham (or Sarai, whose name becomes Sarah, or Ya'akov, who becomes Yisrael), we create our destiny through our own actions. How we live determines how we are called, even after we die.

Rabbi Shimon taught: "There are three crowns - the crown of Torah (i.e., being a teacher, though one may be unworthy), the crown of priesthood and the crown of kingship (both of which are hereditary). But the crown of a good name excels them all." Avot 4:17

For good or ill, we make names for ourselves, and it is by those names that we are known.

Shabbat Shalom!

Rabbi Richard A. Flom

הַלּוֹמֵד מִכָּל אָדָם ?אֵיזֶהוּ חָכָם

Who is wise?  The one who learns from every person.

Ben Zoma - Pirkei Avot 4:1

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Candle lighting: 4:36 pm

Friday: Shabbat Evening Service – 6:30 pm. Oneg Shabbat follows.

Saturday: Torah study/breakfast – 8:45 am. Shabbat Morning Service – 9:30 am. Junior Congregation – 10:00 am. Kiddush lunch follows. 

Sunday: Religious School – 9:30 am.

Monday: TBH/CBM office closed – Veterans Day.

Tuesday: Lunch and Learn – 12:00 noon.

Friday, 11/15: SIMCHA Shabbat Evening Service – 6:30 pm. Shabbat Dinner follows. Join us to celebrate November anniversaries, birthdays, and more! The pareve/dairy dinner is complimentary to all, but reservations to the office by 11/13 are a must!

Saturday, 11/16: Torah study/breakfast – 8:45 am. Shabbat Morning Service – 9:30 am.

Sunday, 11/17: TBH/CBM Sisterhood meeting – 11:00 am. Religious School – 12:00 noon – 2:30 pm. NOTE TIME CHANGE! This is to accommodate the sofer who will be teaching our students and any interested congregants about how scrolls for Torah, tefillin, and mezuzot are made and written.

Friday, 11/22: Shabbat ROCKS Evening Service – 6:30 pm. Reb Jason and the Shul of Rock with an electrified and electrifying service. Oneg Shabbat follows.

Next time you come to TBH/CBM, please bring some non-perishable canned and packaged foods and personal items (no glass) for SOVA.

This d'var torah is offered in memory of the first Jews to die in the Shoah, the victims of Kristallnacht, November 9-10, 1938.

This d'var torah is offered in honor of all who have served in the armed forces of the United States of America. Don’t forget to fly Old Glory on Monday, 11/11.

This d’var torah is offered for a refuah shleimah for Leah bat Sarah Imanu, Sarah bat Devorah, Susan Arbetman, Ken Bitticks, Elsbet Brosky, Mark Brownstein, Jerry Daniels, Maya Fersht (Maya bat Esther), Dr. Samuel Fersht (Shmuel Natan ben Gittel), Bernard Garvin, Leah Granat, Gabor Klein, Philip Kronzek, Tonya Kronzek (Zlata Malkah bat Sarah Imanu), Ina Labowitz, Stuart Lytton, David Marks, Gail Neiman, Sandra Raab, David Russak, Josef Sands, Shirley Sands, Debra Schugar Strauss (Devorah bat Chaya Feiga), Helen Schugar (Chaya Feiga bat Kreina), and William Sragow.

IF WORDS COULD KILL

Parashat Noach

Cheshvan 4, 5780 /November 1-2, 2019
Torah: Genesis 6:9-11:32
Haftarah: Isaiah 54:1-55:5

Dedications and calendar follow below. For complete listings, see our web site at: www.bnaihayim.com   

Please feel free to pass this on to a friend, and please cite the source.

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IF WORDS COULD KILL

"Whoever sheds the blood of a human being, by humans shall his blood be shed; for in the image of God did God make humans." Genesis 9:6

This is one of several Torah verses cited as the basis for capital punishment. But the Chofetz Chayim, Rabbi Yisrael Meir Hakohen Poupko (d. 1933), who wrote extensively on the laws concerning shmirat halashon (guarding one's tongue), taught that the verse prohibits publicly embarrassing another person. He cites the following passage from the Talmud, Bava Metzia 58b: "A tanna (teacher) taught before Rav Nachman bar Yitzchak: 'One who publicly shames (lit., "makes pale") his neighbor, it is as if he shed blood.' Said Rav Nachman: 'You speak well, for I have seen it, the ruddiness disappearing and the paleness replacing it.'"

Another exchange, between Abbaye and Rav Dimi, includes this: "All who descend to Gehenna ("hell") later reascend, except for three; one who commits adultery, one who publicly shames his neighbor, and one who places an evil nickname on his neighbor ..., even when he is accustomed to being called by that name."

All of us have had the experience of Rav Nachman - we or someone we have observed have turned pale, had the blood drain from the face, from being shamed in front of others. Similarly, we know that it is wrong to call someone by an evil nickname, even when they apparently don't mind the use of the epithet. But how many of us have ever considered that it is a form of murder (character assassination?) to publicly shame someone? Even more, how many of us have ever considered that such an action is a chillul hashem, a desecration of God's name? How could it be otherwise? "...for in the image of God did God make humans."

Mind your tongue - words can kill.

Shabbat Shalom!

Rabbi Richard A. Flom

הַלּוֹמֵד מִכָּל אָדָם ?אֵיזֶהוּ חָכָם

Who is wise?  The one who learns from every person.

Ben Zoma - Pirkei Avot 4:1

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Candle lighting: 5:42 pm

Friday: Shabbat Evening Service – 6:30 pm. Oneg Shabbat follows.

Saturday: Torah study/breakfast – 8:45 am. Shabbat Morning Service – 9:30 am. Kiddush lunch follows. Turn back clocks one hour before retiring tonight – Standard Time begins 2:00 am Sunday.

Sunday:  Religious School – 9:30 am.

Tuesday: Lunch and Learn – 12:00 noon.

Next time you come to TBH/CBM, please bring some non-perishable canned and packaged foods and personal items (no glass) for SOVA.

This d'var torah is offered in memory of my uncle, Merwin Erenbaum, whose yahrzeit falls on Wednesday, 8 Cheshvan. Y'hi zikhro liv'rakhah - His memory is a blessing.

This d'var torah is offered in memory of my zayde, Sam Flom, whose yahrzeit falls on Thursday, 9 Cheshvan. Y'hi zikhro liv'rakhah - His memory is a blessing.

This d’var torah is offered for a refuah shleimah for Leah bat Sarah Imanu, Sarah bat Devorah, Susan Arbetman, Ken Bitticks, Elsbet Brosky, Mark Brownstein, Jerry Daniels, Maya Fersht (Maya bat Esther), Dr. Samuel Fersht (Shmuel Natan ben Gittel), Bernard Garvin, Leah Granat, Gabor Klein, Philip Kronzek, Tonya Kronzek (Zlata Malkah bat Sarah Imanu), Stuart Lytton, David Marks, Gail Neiman, Sandra Raab, David Russak, Josef Sands, Shirley Sands, Debra Schugar Strauss (Devorah bat Chaya Feiga), Helen Schugar (Chaya Feiga bat Kreina), and William Sragow.

Please let me know if there is anyone you would like to add to this list or if there is anyone who may be removed from this list.